Friday, August 28, 2009

Abbreviations

When I was in junior high, I tended toward the silly. I'm sure this surpises you. I usually dragged (drug? no that can't be right) my entire family into the nonsense with me. We had abbreviations for things that might embarrass a junior high girl if the full name were mentioned in public. Toilet paper was "TP" and feminine protection items were "FP." My best friend in junior high, Shelda, heard me telling mom I needed FP one afternoon and she asked me if FP stood for Frog Panties (silliness runs in junior high girl friend packs). So from that moment on every time I needed feminine protection I would ask mom (or dad, poor fellow) to pick me up some Frog Panties at Revco (remember Revco?).

Speaking of Frog Panties, have you seen Target's new line of products (Frog Panties included)? It's called the "Up & Up" brand. They sent out a book of coupons to their credit card holders, of whom I am not one, but someone who lived in a camper beside our house for several months a few years ago (which is ABPA (Another Blog Post Altogether)) happened to be one so now I get all her Target coupons. So I used all of her coupons today to buy things like Up & Up SC (Shampoo and Conditioner), Up & Up PT (Paper Towels), Up & Up LD (Laundry Detergent), Up & Up DS (Dryer Sheets), and Up & Up TP (you already know this one). Here's what happened almost immediately with the Up & Up TP once I got home:


It went Up & Up. & Up. And then it fell down. And then it went Up & Up again. A hundred times. All afternoon. The video of the Great TP Tower Build is not that exciting, but Mace watched it 30 times in a row, probably trying to improve his technique. I won't post it here, because it's not nearly as exciting as this video:


It has rained like that at least six or seven times over the past three days. Our dirt driveway could be used as a mud bog for monster truck rallies. I don't even bother warning new clients about the damage sure to be done to the undercarriage of their cars before they come to see me because I already tell them not to worry, they're not driving down that dirt driveway into the woods to get murdered (cause that's happened on our driveway before -- ABPA). Why totally discourage them from coming? Joe says I should advertise more to get more clients, but really I'm just scaring them off with my cryptic allusions to bodies on the driveway.

Let's just say that there is not enough Up & Up TP in Target to soak up all the water that's standing on our property right now. I have seen more wildlife than I prefer over the last few days: alligators (not the big'un that tried to get Chance), snakes swimming in the creek, a possum (okay, I only saw that on video), and this afternoon, a rat. The rat ran into Joe's workshop while the boys and I were chasing it with the basketball. Did you know rats have hinged heads? An Orkin guy told me that once -- that's why they can fit through such small spaces -- their heads basically flatten out. I assume that the Orkin guy was right -- I've never thought to verify his assertion by doing the proper research for a definitive answer (on the internet, of course, where everything is true). One day, once she's done with her therapy, I'll ask Dez to guest blog on here and tell you her rat story -- she's probably hyperventilating just reading that I saw a rat today -- that's how bad her rat story is.

I can't bear to end this post by talking about rats, so let's talk some more about TP. My sister and I accidentally toasted 8 rolls of TP in the oven once. We had come home from the grocery store with my mom and (surprise) I was cracking myself up by putting things in the wrong place. My sister joined in and soon we were hee hee hawing about putting FP in the fridge and milk in the cabinet. You're right, it really wasn't that funny. But I was in junior high, so I was either laughing hysterically or bawling my eyes out at that age (cursed hormones). A couple of hours later, we decided to make brownies so I turned the oven on to preheat and pretty soon we were smelling melted plastic. My mom opened the oven and voila! TP toasted to perfection! The plastic wrapper had melted to the oven rack and was a beast to clean, but Toasted TP kept me laughing right up until my next crying fit, which was the next day, right after I asked my dad to pick me up some Frog Panties at Revco.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for this blog post! For the life of me, I couldn't remember where I got the term FP.

    ReplyDelete